Monday, March 4, 2013

My Neighbors Hate Me -or- Scream 35 "I Know Why You're Screaming".......

I'm pretty sure that my neighbors hate me. When I see some of them outside or at the store and I politely wave "Hello" to them they give me really weird looks and avoid having to speak to me. I know why.... of course I know why. I scream like a lunatic at my children. People meet my sweet, beautiful children and think, "How on Earth could she ever yell like that at these innocent little cupcakes?" But they don't see or hear what these boys do.... they only hear my reaction to it. Some of you might say, "Screaming at your children is never acceptable, you'll psychologically damage them!" What about ME? If I DON'T scream, these boys will psychologically damage ME!! Here's an example of a situation, that happened today actually, that I felt warranted screaming like a God damned Banshee......

I have recently fallen hardcore into a "Wellness Overhaul" as I like to call it. We are eating mostly organic foods, using natural products, soaps, lotions, etc. in an attempt to feel better, get sick less often, and just generally be well and Earth friendly. It's a fun but expensive process, worth it - completely worth it, but again, emphasis on "Expensive." Some Organics cost twice as much (or more) than their chemical-ridden zombie-modified ticket-to-cancer-town counterparts. For example..... Bananas. "Normal" bananas cost around .59 per pound. Organics cost about 1.00 per pound. I used to think, "It's not important to buy organic bananas, they have a peel so the pesticides probably don't get into the actual food...." But as I recently discovered, it's not only about the pesticides, it's the TASTE! My God, the taste... Organic fruits and vegetables taste SO good. Noticeably better. The way nature intended them to taste. And in a way, I have become a produce snob. I bought some non-Organic apples recently and could barely stand to eat them, they were flavorless, like eating stale air. Which I never would have noticed, had I not had an orgasmic experience with a 3.00 Organic Honeycrisp..... But I digress....

So last week at the Grocery store, I happened upon a beautiful display of splendidly perfect Organic bananas at .99 per pound. I grabbed the biggest bunch they had, and it rang up at close to 4.00. (Don't judge me!) I brought them home and put them in my wrought iron fruit basket, and placed it upon a beautiful round green woven place mat in the center of my dining room table. A work of art, I tell you - majestic. And there on a perfect status-symbol green label all around the bunch is a sticker proclaiming "ORGANIC!" I already feel like I'm going to live forever. I am pleased with the purchase and the display so I walk away, basking in my triumph. The boys are busy playing so I sit down to read, getting lost in my book and forgetting to listen to what those little rascals are doing. After a few pages I realize that I'm hearing a weird banging noise. I've been hearing it for a while now, but "mom-brain" has been kind of blocking it out but now I'm definitely hearing it and the alarm bells are sounding that something is horribly wrong.

I take a deep breath and close my book. "Oh Dear God, no. Please don't let this be what I think is happening...."

I walk out to the dining room.

Both boys are sitting on top of the table.

with a hammer....

smashing my bananas.

I scream.

I scream.

I scream.

So the neighbors have no idea that my kids just destroyed something that was important to me (yeah yeah, they were just bananas, but on some level, they were important and symbolic to ME). They don't know that my kids just did something stupid and dangerous and destructive and infuriating. All they know is that woman next door is screaming like a psychotic bitch. So that's why my neighbors hate me. I'm sorry, I just do not possess whatever it is that takes over in some mothers and allows them to be cool, calm and collected in situations like this. Whatever that part of the psyche is, I don't have it. My kids know I love them, I don't ever hit them, I call that a win. But they do things like this all the time.

New List: Recent reasons I have blown a lung from screaming at the boys

1. Shea wrapping a plastic grocery bag around Kellan's head
2. Shea wrapping the ribbon from a balloon around Kellan's neck
3. Kellan pushing the computer chair up to the counter so he could play with a knife
4. Kellan using a toy cup to drink water out of the dog bowl

and those all happened in the past month..... So I scream. Judge away.....