Interview with a Shea-Bug

So Shea, I hear you had a birthday last week? How old are you now?

14.

14?

Yes.

Are you sure you’re not three?

Oh yes, I’m 3! I’m 3.

Ok, that’s what I thought. Did you have a nice birthday?

Yyyyyyyes. Is it my birthday yet?

Your birthday was last week remember?

Where is it? Is it in the living room?

Your birthday is a day. It’s not a thing. What did you do on your birthday?

I played with my house and my mote-control racecar.

Cool, what else did you do?

Ummmm… played with my grandma and grandpa…. And all my aunts and uncles, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Do you like being 3?

Yes.

Why?

Because I love my toys and I love going out in the world and telling (unitelligable…….) and don’t bite your friends. Don’t bite your friends, got it!

Do you love your brother?

Yes, because I chased someone. I chased Osgood.

Huh???

I love Kellan because I love the world.

Ok. What’s your favorite game?

Rango.

Rangos a movie.

Oh, I love the running game and jumping game.

Ok. What’s your favorite food?

Ummm. Peas.

Peas??

Yes, that’s good.

What else do you like to eat?

Green beans and oranges.

At the same time?

Yeah.

What’s your favorite movie?

Rango.

Why do you like Rango?

Cuz he’s a lizard and snakes are snakes.

What’s your favorite color.

Ohhhhh, green. My favorite color is green.

Why do you like green?

Because it’s my favorite color, mom!

What do you like that is green?

A crayon.

So have you been a good boy lately?

No and Yes. I mean Yes.

What happens when you’re not a good boy?

I’m a bad boy.

When are you a bad boy?

Because I’ve been saying naughty words.

You say naughty words?

Yes. That’s what I said.

Why do you say naughty words.

Because I go to time out.

What’s your favorite naughty word?

Suck it up! That’s a bad word.

That’s not really a bad word – it’s just not nice for you to say that to mommy or daddy.

Oh, you say it to kids.

Some people say that. It just means “be a big boy.”

Why?

I don’t know….

If you don’t know (unintelligible)

What?

What?

Moving on…. What Tv shows do you like?

Ummm…Toy Story. But not with Zurg. He’s a bad guy.

Ok, What TV show don’t you like?

Bad guys. I don’t like them.

Fair enough.

Fair.

Did you go to gymnastics today?

For a little bit.

What did you do at gymnastics.

Played inside. And they we drive home with the burgers.

So you had a Happy Meal for lunch?

Yes.  It’s my favorite food.

What do you want to be for Halloween?

Ummmmm. A  turtle.

You were a turtle last year. Do you want to be something different.

I want to be another turtle.

Ok, I’m all about recycling costumes. What should Kellan be?

A turtle.

What can mommy be?

You can be a candle.

Sweet, what can daddy be?

Daddy can be a frog!

So two turtles, a frog and a candle?

Yeah! That’s what I want!

Why am I a candle?

Because it’s for Trick or Treat. You can be a scarecrow. I can be a scarecrow.  I’ll be a nice scarecrow! Can I be a nice scarecrow, mom?

Sure.

Oh goody goody!

Well it was nice talking to you Shea.

Yeah.

See ya.

Where are you going?

Nowhere I’m just ending the post.

Oh…why?

Because it’s over.

Uh…Can I watch TV?

Sure…..

Potty Mouth – or – I am a terrible person….

*Disclaimer: If you are offended by swearing, stop reading now….*

I will never forget the day my sweet little angel muttered his first word. Actually it was more than one word, his first utterance was actually a phrase. I had placed Shea on the changing table to change his diaper and he looked up at a picture on the wall, looked me square in the eyes and said, “Mama, what’s that?” I was speechless – my kid is a genius! I thought, swelling with pride. And he has not stopped talking since; Shea is a genuine motor-mouth. Anyone who has met him will tell you that this kid speaks well beyond his age level and has a vocabulary to rival any six year old. This is not always a good thing, however, when said child has two parents who are chronic potty-mouths.

 I’m not sure why or where it came from as neither Matt nor I were raised in homes where swearing was acceptable. In my home, circa age 12 or so, I can remember testing a swear word or two, quietly uttering something and then quickly looking at my dad to see if he heard me. Yep! Oh Shit! His eyebrows would raise and he would start to get “cop-face” (yes, my dad is a cop) and then I would fly as fast as I could to my room before I got my butt “whooped”. (At this point I would like to point out that my parents never actually “whooped” me, but were known to dole out some pretty lengthy “groundings.”) And perhaps that’s the reason why we can’t speak a full sentence without throwing in a cuss word. It was so taboo growing up that when we were out on our own, it became a free-for-all. Whatever the reason, we can’t seem to clean up our language and have thus passed this affliction on to our child, who has now had some pretty famous quotes posted on facebook, which I will kindly share with you here.

New List: Shea’s naughty quotes

1. Shea: Mom! I just saw a fuckin' bird outside! Me: WHAT??? Shea: I saw a fuckin' bird! Me: Shea! That is a naughty word, you don't say that! Shea: Oh...Mom I saw a fricken' bird....

2. Shea: Daddy what are you doing? Matt: I’m going to clean up the dog poop so you can play outside. Shea: Oh, Mommy! Daddy’s going to clean up the dog shit. Matt: Shea! We don’t say that we say dog poop. Shea: No, we say dog shit. Matt: No.We.Don’t. That’s a naughty word. We say poop. Shea: No, poop is a bad word, we say shit.

3. Shea is in his room beating his toy phone with a toy golf club. Me: Shea, what are you doing? Shea: I’m trying to turn this fucking phone off…

4. Matt: Shea look, it’s raining. Look at those clouds! Shea: Oh! Can we play outside. Matt: No, not when it’s storming. (Thunder clap)  Shea: What the fuck?!

5. Matt and I joking around. Me: (laughing) Stop being an asshole! Shea: Yeah dad, stop being an asshole!

6. Shea stubbed his toe on the wall: Son of the bitch! (this one is Grandma Tammy’s fault! That’s her most used phrase!)

7. Shea: (Throws a stack of legos across the room) Suck it you fucking rocket ship!!

I know, it’s horrible. We are horrible parents and we deserve to go to mommy and daddy jail for the monstrosity that is the foul mouthed little boy we have created. It started innocently enough, we swore around him thinking he was too young to understand what we were even saying, not knowing that he was absorbing EVERYTHING! We honestly are trying to fix things, we really are, but once your child starts swearing it’s downhill from there. Telling him that these are naughty words isn’t enough. We’ve even started putting ourselves in time out when we say a swear word in front of him, so he can see the consequences of using foul language, but it’s a hard habit to break. I’m already dreading the phone call from his future preschool teacher; the day we get called into the office to discuss Shea’s inappropriate language at school. And it’ll be our fault. Our child will be punished at school for something WE did to him. God, I’m upset already and it hasn’t even happened yet. I honestly do wish I could rewind a year or so and watch my mouth around him. But that’s the thing with kids, you can’t rewind. You can’t have any do-overs so take my advice and do it right the first time. Love them all you can, get in as much snuggle time as possible because they DO grow up and you better believe they listen to every word you say, even if you think they are ignoring you.