Before I had kids, but while we were trying to get pregnant (there wasn’t really any trying, one day we were like, “Hey let’s have a baby!” and the next day I was pregnant) I had this picture in my head of long haired little girls with pink dresses and Barbie dolls…. What I got was two little boys who eat dirt, laugh when they fart and can’t keep their hands out of their pants. I say, “they” even though Kellan is only three months old and hasn’t actually done any of those things yet, I am simply predicting the future…
If you don’t have kids, or if you only have girls, or if your baby boy is still a precious little infant, than you may not know, but let me break it to you – little boys are OBSESSED with their wieners. I cannot even count how many times a day I yell, “Shea! Get your hand out of your pants!” It’s ridiculous. I’m beginning to think he has a mental problem. (Future Shea, I am so sorry if this embarrasses you, please forgive me, it’s just good material….)
New List: Inappropriate places Shea has played with his wiener:
1. Walmart – while sitting in the shopping cart. Me: SHEA! What are you doing?? Shea: (as loud as he can yell) IT’S MY WIENER!!!!
2. At the Eye Dr. – while sitting in the exam chair, DURING the actual eye exam. Thank God the doctor was looking closely at his eyes and didn’t notice Matt swatting Shea’s hand away from his “junk.”
Ok, those are the only two places I can think of that this has happened, but I’m sure there are more. I have probably blocked them from my memory.
The day we had Kellan, the pediatrician came to the hospital to examine our new little bundle of joy and Matt said, “Um, hey… we’ve got a two year old who will NOT leave his wiener alone…..” Dr.: Oh yeah, that’s normal. Matt: Really? Cuz it’s like… ALL the time… Dr.: Totally normal. Matt: Ok, so like, he’ll grow out of it…or….? Dr.: (laughs) Oh, no. No. They just get better at hiding it….
I’ve even tried compromising with him. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s going to happen so one day I sat Shea down and said, “It’s ok to touch your wiener, but you have to do it in your room or in the bathroom. You don’t do that in front of people. Understand?” He said, yeah, he understood… That night, Shea got up from playing and headed toward the bathroom. Matt: Hey Buddy, do you need to go potty? Shea: Nope, I need to go play with my wiener…. Oy vey… But he continues to stand in the middle of the living room and watch cartoons while “exploring” himself. What’s a mom to do? I’m afraid to send him to preschool for fear of the inevitable phone call from the teacher that my son is being “inappropriate” at school.
While we were in the process of moving to Atlanta, the boys and I stayed with my parents for a month while I was healing from childbirth. One night, my mom had finished giving Shea a bath and sent him out into the living room in just a towel. He dropped the towel, jumped up onto the couch next to my dad and started dancing around singing, “Look at my wiener, look at my wiener!” I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack. He was both laughing and horrified at the same time. He covered his eyes and pleaded with Shea to get dressed. Shea then started bouncing on the ottoman singing, “Do the… wiener dance! Do the…wiener dance,” to the tune of the Huggies “Potty Dance.”
And this wiener wonderland extends beyond himself. He’s been known to ask people if their wieners are ok. One day he asked ME, “Mom, is your wiener ok?” Me: I don’t have a wiener, I’m a girl. Shea: oh…. You have an….inside? Me: (what the f…….? Where did he “invent” this knowledge) Don’t worry about it Shea, that’s not a nice thing to ask someone. Shea: Oh, sorry. Are your boobs ok? Me: *sigh* yes, Shea, they’re fine. Thanks for asking.
I don’t know what to do. How do you teach a child what’s appropriate and what’s not? I’ve become a broken record saying it to him and it doesn’t seem to be sinking in. I don’t want him to grow up with “issues”, you know? I think it’s our fault, mine and Matt’s. I read in one of those baby books that when you change the baby’s diaper, DO NOT make a face or gag or say “that’s disgusting” or the baby will grow up to have psychological damage and think that their “privates” are dirty and disgusting. So I told Matt this exclusive information and whenever we would change his diaper, no matter how nuclear-explosive or vomit inducing it was, we would smile and say, “Yay! Good poop!” Must have been reverse psychology and we instilled in him a psychological “bonus,” if you will, that his “privates” were unequivocally awesome. Major back fire.
Shea will one day do as the doctor predicted and become a master of deception with his wiener “endeavors.” And one day he will know that I wrote this and posted it online for the whole world to see and he will hate my guts, but come on, when you are a mom to boys, you just have to laugh at stuff like this or it’ll give you a stroke.